Influence: How You Help Others Help Themselves
November 2007
Influence: How You Help Others Help Themselves
You work with a lot of people you would like to help become more successful. Some of them are already doing fine but some of them aren't. In both cases you could add value if you had your chance to exert a little influence. Unfortunately, they are busy doing things their way and you have no authority over them. And even when you do have authority it's still not an easy conversation to have effectively. Same
Old Same Old
Did you ever see Bill Murray in Ground Hog's Day? He wakes up every morning and relives the exact same day over and over again. It seems as if he's missing an important lesson about life, and the universe is friendly enough to give him chance after chance. You and I are actually in a similar situation. We walk by the same people and have the same unproductive conversations about the same problems with these people for months and even years. Not much changes, other than the amount of hope we have for a breakthrough. Optimism is supplanted with skepticism and then cynicism. We forget that we have a choice and that wisdom is always available.
The Prerequisite to Being Influential
There are predictable and learnable steps that you can take to influence people in a positive direction. To succeed with these steps all you have to do is give up your ego and the idea that you know what is best for them. It's no secret that your agenda is not what other people wake up every day to work on. So where do we begin?
Helping Others Help Themselves
Even though influence is a way of being, there are sequential aspects of your relationship dynamics occurring when the magic happens:
- Is your core way of being focused on helping others or attaining your own objectives? People sense when your intentions are self-centered and when you genuinely are putting their needs and intentions ahead of your own. It's not enough to know that you help yourself by helping others. You need to approach life with a deep trust that your needs are already taken care of, and you have something to give back in gratitude.
- Do you understand what people really need, want, and intend to accomplish that is most important to them? People run as quickly as they can when you give advice and offer your one-size-fits-all solution that has worked for you. If you don't listen to their deepest struggles and most heartfelt aspirations you can not help them discover what they need to do for themselves. You need to listen intently to understand where people want to go and what is holding them back from going there.
- Can you help people see where they are selling themselves short or living in that same old Ground Hog's Day with no opportunity for positive action in sight? None of us can see our own blind-spots very easily and we often talk ourselves into thinking we have to put up with an unsatisfying situation. When you help people see the fallacy of their predicament and help them find a positive approach to fulfill their intentions, they will really listen to what you have to say. You need to use this momentary authority to ask them the right questions so they can find their own answers as much as possible. Even giving people a couple of ideas to choose from, is far better than giving them "the answer."
- Can you support people to take action when they know the cost of their status quo? People need to be reminded they have sufficient internal strength and resilience to risk what they are unsatisfied with, to pursue a better, yet uncertain possibility. Change requires trading in our experience of "getting by" for the freedom that comes when we give up our security for the adventure of a bold commitment. Helping people dig deep within themselves and find the courage to follow their heart toward a higher road is the culmination of genuine influence.
- Are you at peace regardless of the outcome of your influence? Sometimes other people's highest intentions are aligned with yours. Sometimes they are not. If your ego and your own agenda are truly secondary to serving your colleague, you can allow the outcome to be whatever is best for them. When your influence supports your objectives, as well as their own, you can celebrate the difference you made for both of you. When it goes the other way, you can celebrate the clarity of knowing what's possible and what's missing regarding your own intentions. You can also celebrate the clarity you've provided your colleague.
Influence is an act of leadership that is not a mental exercise. Yes, you will need to analyze your risks and potential return, but in the end influence is a matter of the heart. When you are influenced it is an emotional moment of giving up what you thought you were satisfied with for something your heart just cannot put off. Have you ever heard of "letting people hold the puppy?" You've seen kids outside the grocery store with a box of puppies they need to sell or give away. You can look at the puppies and see how cute they are and remember the joy that your last dog brought into your life. And more often than not the added responsibilities and extra work come to mind soon enough and allow you to keep walking with a temporary smile on your face. If you are dog lover without a dog, you escape the influence of your heart in that moment. But if you were not aware you were in the market for a dog and the kids suggest you hold the puppy, your chances of going home alone that day go down dramatically. Why? Because it's one thing to remember the joy, loyalty, and unconditional love that came with your favorite dog from the past, and another thing to experience this little guy in your arms interviewing you with those big brown eyes for a one way ticket into your home. The secret of influence is to help people experience what they long for but have forgotten they have the capability of creating for themselves.
We'll End with an Invitation
We have a puppy you may want to hold. Paul Werder wrote a book this year called Building Unity. Some of you have already read it and said, "This is really good." Others may have a nice memory of working with Paul or the LionHeart team and feel content to pass on this invitation. Still others have never had the experience of freedom that comes with an experience of the LionHeart principles. In any event, if you would like to read the first chapter of the book you can click here .
Is the puppy Paul's book? On a superficial level, the answer is yes. But on a deeper level, the puppy is really your own heart. Perhaps this book will help you re-experience the inspiration, creativity and hope you have for your company or career. We intend to influence you to find the passion in your heart for positive change in your world. Is it because we're selling books or programs? Yes, but only if you see it as a means to a bigger end. We want you to fulfill your own dreams of making the world a better place. Why? Because we live in the same world you do. Let's work together to make the difference we are here to make. If you would like to use this article to influence someone who is important to you, please forward this email to them and let them know you have their best interests at heart.