Don't Lose a Key Performer Based on Assumptions
April 2007
When you know someone well and have a fair amount of history with them, it's easy to unconsciously assume you know the reasons for their moods, behaviors, and results. It's easy for them to make the same assumptions about you. In a business setting this can lead to poor decisions, damaged relationships, and lost business. If something seems off or different, you need to find out what's up - not assume - by talking about it with them.
Let's take a drive
The other day, I was driving with my wife on a two lane road in the mountains of the Oregon coast range about 3 cars behind a van traveling 35 - 40 mph in a 55 mph zone. After about 3 minutes of this, I decided the driver of the van was either stupid, obtuse, or an idiot. We were stuck in a long line of traffic for another 10 miles or so, with my blood pressure rising by the mile.
Oh, did I mention we were in a hurry to get home?
Finally, we reached a passing lane and the van pulled over to the right. As I accelerated, preparing to glare at the driver, I noticed the small spare tire on the left front wheel of the van. They'd had a flat and needed to go slow for safety. Right then, I was the one who felt stupid, obtuse, and idiotic.
But I assumed.....
People label others all the time. It's what humans do - compare, judge, and label. Based on very little information - maybe even just a look on someone's face - people assume meaning and motive in the other person. And you know the old adage: when I assume it makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me'.
Making assumptions is a way of convincing yourself you know what is going on, leaving you without anything you can do about this "reality". The only problem is: it's not true. There is no way to know for sure without some interaction. At best, you can make a reasonable guess. At worst, you can limit or even ruin a relationship. In business this can mean negatively impacting or losing a significant customer, supplier, employee, or career.
Past experience informs a lot of the assumptions people make. Let's say you've been working with another person for awhile. You have a history. You've seen them at their best and probably their worst. Depending on your own internal trigger mechanisms, certain instances make a lasting impression regarding who that person is and what you can expect from them. You have them pegged.
Once pegged, the tendency is to pay attention to behavior that proves your assumption and discount behavior that doesn't. Over time, you decide you know where they're coming from without even having to ask a question. You communicate (or not!) with him or her based on the history, not the present. The other person often does the same with you. And the relationship is locked, stuck in the past, with nowhere to go.
True Story
The top producer of one of our client firms reported having serious difficulty handling what she characterized as the "roller-coaster" moods of the owner toward her. One day to the next, sometimes one hour to the next, she said she didn't know what to expect. She assumed she was about to be fired, but couldn't figure out what she'd done wrong. She found herself walking on egg shells and not doing her best work due to worrying about her career.
The owner felt frustrated that the key player wasn't stepping in enough and taking the initiative in a few important areas. He assumed she wasn't interested anymore and was thinking about leaving.
As background, sales had dipped recently and the owner was irked that the sales outreach actions he'd asked the team to take three months prior, hadn't been implemented fully. He saw the dip coming, thought they had missed an important opportunity window to avoid it, and was scared. All this contributed to his mood swings.
On the Rocks
These two people have a ten year working relationship. One of them calls it a "marriage". They both admit enjoying the relationship and admiring the strengths of the other, but the "marriage" was a little rocky. It was actually headed for d-i-v-o-r-c-e. Can you relate to this?
Help!
One of our LionHeart team members met with the two of them and quickly discovered that their assumptions were running the relationship. They both had had each other 'pegged' for a long time. They had not yet had a real conversation about what each of them was experiencing, how they felt about things, what needs they had that weren't being met, and what they really wanted out of the work they were doing together. Their highest intentions were long forgotten.
It took a few sessions over several weeks, but our well placed questions brought out their willingness, sincerity, and courage that had been stifled by their assumptions. They relatively quickly articulated their heart's highest intentions - a future where employees find fulfillment making a big difference in people's lives in a high quality way and a sustainably profitable company able to give back to the community.
They then began sharing their assumptions about each other and what was really going on for each of them. This produced extreme surprise on both sides. The top producer, who projects a tough, nothing-gets-to-me persona, admitted she was really afraid and didn't want to show it. The owner, who typically stuffed his anger, admitted his annoyance over the unsuccessful outreach program which triggered the fear driving his somewhat erratic behavior.
They both realized their assumptions were way off. The top producer realized her boss being unpredictable wasn't about her and she wasn't targeted for termination. The owner realized the top producer appearing disinterested was hiding her fear over thinking she was on the chopping block.
A New Beginning
They began noticing their individual cues - physical, emotional, mental - that signaled they were in their old habitual pattern of relating. They made agreements to ask for clarification and understanding from each other when they found they were assuming meaning and motive.
The top producer asked to be given a project she was really passionate about, but had been afraid to pursue. The owner granted the request enthusiastically, knowing she was perfect for it and grateful she was stepping in.
Both these talented people have a new appreciation for each other and renewed excitement about the future of the company - together. The honeymoon may be over, but the best is yet to come.If assumptions are getting in your way....
Conflicts and misunderstandings resulting in damaged relationships take a huge toll on business sustainability and excellence. A major reason is people unconsciously living in the world of assumption.
How to know -
If you find yourself tightening up around another person, feeling anxious or annoyed, thinking about what they said and why in your mind, or finding yourself avoiding them, these are cues that you need to examine what is upsetting you. This is the first step in recognizing you may be part of an assumed relationship.
Next, make two columns on a piece of paper. Title the first column 'Behavior', the second 'Motive / Meaning'. While thinking about this person, write down all their behaviors that bring up uncomfortable feelings. For each behavior, write down what you think their motives and/or meanings are behind the behavior. For example, Joe comes back from lunch 10 minutes late three times a week - behavior. You think he is trying to get away with something because he is not a team player - motive and meaning. Do the same on another piece of paper listing behaviors that bring up positive feelings in you.
Now, put a check mark next to all of the items you can honestly say you had a clear conversation with him/her about. Where you told them what you saw them say or do, how you felt, and asked what was going on for them so you could understand. If half or more are unchecked, you are probably in an assumed relationship, at least on your side.
What to do -
Now that you know the relationship is based at least in part on assumptions, what can you do? 1. Decide if you want to change the relationship. You may not have the energy or interest in working on the change, at least not now. This is an option and a serious decision. Here are some questions to ask: What impact is the breakdown with this person having on the organization? On me? If not much now, how long do I want to live with it? Another month? Six months? Five years?2. If you are ready to say 'yes' to # 1, the next step is to get in touch with your highest intention - the most good you see possible for this relationship. Spend a little time on this. Envision a future where your relationship is open and honest. What impact could that have on the organization? On you? The other person?
3. Referring to your list, prioritize the assumptions you most want to learn the truth about from the other person.
4. Set a time to meet with him/her in a quiet and neutral place.
5. Begin the conversation by speaking your highest intention. Ask if they're interested in having that too. Give him/her a chance to voice their reaction and their intention. Empathize. Ask clarifying questions. Explain what has been troubling you in terms of observable behavior, how you feel when that happens, and what needs you have that aren't being met. Be willing to be imperfect in favor of telling the truth. The key is to maintain connection with the other person until you both feel you understand where the other is coming from. 6. Before you end the conversation, ask for a commitment on both parts to be honest and open in the future. While this sounds straightforward, you probably know how hard it is to do. It takes courage and compassion - for yourself and the other person. You may need help. A skilled third party facilitator can make a huge difference, so go get that help if you need it.
The payoff is worth it
There are many success stories in the LionHeart annals of former workplace combatants now loving their work and their workmates again.
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People often face difficult conversations in business. Because they are difficult it's easy to procrastinate or avoid them altogether, but that just prolongs the agony. How to start is often the first obstacle. For some wisdom on how to master the difficult conversation, check out the resources on the website.
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If you found yourself, a company or colleague you care about in the stories above, know that help is an email or phone call away. Or if you just want to share a story of a rescued workplace relationship, we'd love to hear it.
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If you are interested in learning more about LionHeart Consulting, our purpose, and what we stand for, we invite you to read and share "The Leadership Imperative" on our website.