Violence in the Office
December 2007

Violence in the Office: Your Response Please    

You suddenly discover a new unproven colleague has been saying things to your coworkers like, "I'm going to run this guy (you) out of the company because he is not performing."  One of your coworkers then shares a confidential email sent to his personal email account asking him to "not let anyone know about these concerns and plans to dispose of you."   

Of course you are shocked and angry that your new colleague is gunning for you.  Your first impulse is to attack back and take him out before he does further damage to the positive culture the new CEO is committed to building.  But you decide to respond instead of react.  You look into your heart and seek the higher road.  Your first idea is to take this to HR and get some help.  You have a few long conversations with HR, a facilitated meeting with your colleague, and a damage control session with your team. They are up in arms about your colleague's style and you are still feeling uneasy.  Your team has asked the tough question, "What is management going to do about this?"  You first think they are calling for a statement or decision from the CEO, and then realize you are also management . Your heart knows you haven't done what you know you need to do.  You are terrified but you realize you must have a personal conversation with your colleague.  You need to tell him you know about the personal email asking your coworker to cover up his attacking intention.    

You've been given a formula for non-violent communication (adapted from Marshall Rosenberg's work) that looks like this: 

Identify Your Highest Intention: You know that the shortest path to your own success is having your new colleague be successful in his role - it's ironic but your highest intention is to turn your foe into your friend.

Express the Observable Facts Without Judgment: You let him know you are aware of the secret email asking for a cover up.  You also say you have seen him working hard toward the same business goals you are committed to.

Express Your Feelings Without Judgment: You say you are angry, shocked and afraid to trust him at this point.  But you also say you are hopeful the two of you can put this problem in the past and work together and achieve success.

Express Your Needs:  You let him know you need straight and direct conversation about any concerns and you need him to recover credibility with yourself and your team. Ultimately, you need him to perform successfully.

Acknowledge Your Part of the Breakdown and/or Solution: You let him know you have been quiet about your judgments of him as well, and that you too have been a participant in the behind the scenes conversational violence.  You let him know this conversation is your first step in operating with impeccable integrity regarding your business relationship with him.

Request What You Want to Create a New Agreement: You ask him to meet with your team and extend the apology to them and commit to living up to the company values.  You ask to work out the details of the performance expectations between you.  You also ask for ongoing dialogue and feedback to ensure you do not repeat this scenario.  

And once you have turned a violent scenario into a peaceful resolution you realize your response has given you something even more valuable than a friend who is no longer a foe.  You have taken a giant step in becoming a leader.  You realize you will never again be the person who holds back his concerns or engages in the destructive side conversations that hurt everyone's morale.  You go forward, knowing that positive responsiveness trumps a negative reaction every time.  And you realize the "soft stuff" your CEO stands for isn't quite as hard as you were feeling it would be.  You now feel free from what had been eating at you and you are reenergized for the future.  

What is the moral of this story? Good people sometimes forget their values.  When they do, a second chance is far superior than a reactive escalation.  A thoughtful honest response gave both of our heroes a chance to become leaders - one with humility and the other with courage.  And their company needs both of them at their best. __________________________________________________________________   Have you read Building Unity yet?  

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                                                                                                                                                                                                             "I really am enjoying this book. It is so beautifully written and really speaks to me.  I savor each word as I'm reading it, and - this is going to sound weird but I can't wait to finish it so I can read it over more slowly to find out what I missed.  When books really touch me, I read them again and again and I know this will be one of those very precious books to me."  Char Brooks   Available at www.lionhrt.com  Building Unity may be just what Santa wants you to put in some of your loved ones' stocking this year. __________________________________________________________________