Collaborating with People You'd Rather Avoid
August 2007
Collaborating with People You’d Rather Avoid:
Your Best Teaching Moment
Are there certain people who, when you see them coming, your first instinct is to go and hide somewhere? Then say: “Hooray!” They are the primary teachers in your personal School of Self Growth. These good folks were put in your path to teach you what you need to learn about you, so you can bring the best out in others. They might be your co-workers, boss, subordinate, or anyone else you find difficult to deal with. See if any of the following characters show up in your life.
Meet the Faculty
David Droner – David never stops talking. He takes over a meeting without a clue that he has lost his audience. You notice your eyes glazing over after the second sentence. He may actually have something useful to share, unfortunately, you aren’t conscious long enough to hear it.
Doris Downer – Poor Doris has the worst life in the history of the world. And she lives to share it with you …. daily ……. multiple times. When she starts in you feel the joy slowly draining out of your being.
Diane Doter – Diane wants you to know that you are the best, absolutely the best and she is so grateful that you exist and do you know how good you are and how much she admires you and what great ideas you have and, no, she can’t think of anything better than what you think!
Douglas Debater – Douglas knows a lot about a lot of things. Your ideas are interesting, but there are a lot of possible problems that need to be discussed – forever – because you just never know what might go wrong and we must not make a mistake.
Danielle Delayer – Danielle never seems to get things done. Everything takes a long time, although she always has many plausible reasons why. Even her name takes a long time to write. It has all those extra letters. Maybe next week she’ll get caught up.
Dirk Damner – Dirk’s a “get it done” guy. No matter what’s in the way, even you. He knows what’s important and by Gawd, he’s gonna make it happen. A little collateral damage along the way is necessary to meet the ends.
And finally,
Alan Alien – Alan just doesn’t live on the same planet you do. His values and yours couldn’t be farther apart. Seems like everything you cherish, he thinks is stupid, crazy, or wrong. Everything your stomach turns over, he supports. How are you ever going to get anywhere with this guy?
So okay, maybe these descriptions seem just a tad judgmental, but don’t you sometimes have these kinds of thoughts about people you don’t like or know how to deal with? It’s alright, you’re human. But how can you get anything done when you have to work closely with folks like these? The answer: Find out what they have to teach you.
Learning the lesson by erasing the blind spot
Here’s a true story that illustrates learning from someone difficult.
The manager of an assembly operation received a phone call from the sales VP telling him the company’s largest account was about to fire them because of poor quality. The manager was flabbergasted, angry, and terrified in that order. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His operation had consistently rated the highest in quality of the company’s four assembly plants.
As he listened to the VP rant and threaten him, the manager felt more and more defensive. He labeled the VP a Dirk Damner that he needed to counter attack. The real culprit, he decided, was the customer’s supplier quality engineer, kind of a cross between David Droner and Douglas Debater, who had always been complimentary to the manager’s face, but had obviously stabbed him in the back this time. Our manager, needless to say, was not in “learning mode”. Instead, he was obsessed with proving these guys wrong about his operation. Later that day, the manager’s boss called from New York to tell him his job was on the line here.
Feeling trapped between the proverbial rock and hard place, the manager called a trusted advisor for some coaching. After explaining the situation and venting, the manager asked, “what do I do?” The wise advisor asked one question: “What can you learn from all this?”
“That you can’t trust two-faced engineers”, replied the manager. “Ah, but he’s your best teacher”, the advisor said. “He’s exposing a big blind spot to you if you’re willing to accept you have something to learn from a person who bugs you.” “That’s asking a lot!”, the manager retorted. “Yes, it is, but the golden nugget is worth the discomfort of the search”, said the advisor.
After a minute, the manager decided he was open to learning something here and that could lead to a solution. He was able to set aside his judgments about the sales VP and engineer and look at what they were pointing out.
He noticed how defensive he felt because quality problems did not fit his picture of what his team stood for. Yet the facts said, bad parts were shipped to the customer. He accepted that truth and felt the defensiveness dissipate.
Now he was ready to look at what was needed. He spent some time in remembrance (self reflection) and realized his highest intention was to achieve a level of performance that wowed even the toughest customer.
He also saw he needed to address the sense of betrayal he felt from the engineer. He set up a meeting to find some common ground. It was a difficult conversation for the manager. He felt acute disappointment in what he previously believed was an honest and open relationship. By sharing his intention of better collaboration and focusing on understanding, they got through it. He learned specifically what the engineer’s expectations were and where his operation had fallen short. The manager presented a recovery plan to the engineer that was accepted. In the end, they shook hands and wiped the slate clean.
Finally, he saw his blind spot
He realized he had been protecting his hard working team from the truth. He had to admit his view of his operation’s performance was outdated regarding what “best” means. The manager convened an all employee meeting and told them honestly from his heart what happened and what was at stake. He stood strong in asking every team member to step up to a new level of performance.
Over the next year, his operation set new records in quality improving ten fold from previous “best” results.
Not every learning experience ends so happily, yet learning occurs and that’s the point. Life is the workshop that teaches us the lessons from wherever and whoever presents them so we can realize our true potential for contribution.
So how can you learn from your nemesis? Here’s a step-by-step process.
- Decide you are in lifelong training and open yourself to learning from everyone.
- Notice who – and exactly what - bugs you.
- Set aside your judgment of them.
- Focus on your heart’s values and what is needed from you to move the situation in a positive direction and improve collaboration.
- Practice remembrance or your own approach to reflection to deepen your access to the quality you need to bring forward.
- Continue with your remembrance or reflection to identify your best approach.
- Engage the person in a conversation intended to “bring the best out of you” so you “bring the best out of them.”
- Repeat steps 1 to 8 as needed.
Do this consistently with the people you try to avoid and your relationships will change, getting work done with them will be much more effective, and, heck, you might even end up liking your teachers!
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